I have been reflecting on how tazkiya sessions have altered my experience. A new level of internal awareness has been installed in my psyche, offering a more well pronounced, albeit imperfect, internal observation system, now that I know what to look out for.
Internal Awareness
I wish I could with certainty say that I have become a better person with all the Tazkiya classes thus far, but I have at least, gratefully, become more aware of many of the ways I am fallible, vulnerable and in need of self improvement. Without tazkiya, it was perhaps easier to maintain the delusion that I was 'OK', with 'OK' being a pretty meager bar. Now I have the realization, and curiosity, of many of the ways things are not quite OK internally, and thus, the excitement of the potential of growing into a better human, inshaa'Allah.
The Beauty of Love in Islam
A key gem I've gleaned from tazkiya is reckoning with the presence, and beauty of, love, in Islam. I recall Sheikh Adnan mentioning how understandably unrewarding prayer would be if it were but a series of movements and memorized, yet uninternalized, recitations. Subhan Allah.
Sheikh Adnan's most recent series of sessions discussing the ritual of prayer helped me realize how every step is imbued with purpose, and love. We prolong our stance in Qiyam to demonstrate that we have dedicated time to commit Allah's words to heart and memory. We bow in true reverence of how He is truly exalted, and in that we are humbled at how fallible we are. We stand in graceful gratitude. We stand in gratitude.
Gratitude and Joy
I paused there plenty, at least conceptually. I fretted for some reason over basking in gratitude. How can I enjoy what I have been given while others suffer? I learned that I conflated the two, joy and gratitude. I seem to have vilified joy, and stemmed the flow of gratitude. While the differences and intersections between the two warrant a tangential spotlight on their own, I appreciate how tazkiya has started to plant in my head, and heart, questions I have had for a while, but now in a more faith-centered way, how it evokes curiosity as a tool to better connect to Allah, and in turn, subhan Allah, to ourselves.
It is taking me a while to internalize that we all have our own unique, infinite set of things to be grateful for. Unique, and infinite. And it dawned on me. In beginning to recognize the uniqueness of the sum of what I have, and do not have, therein surfaces another reminder of Him, al Wadud, The Most Loving, subhanu wa ta'ala. This was meant to be, for me, by Him. Everyone has their own unique story Allah has gifted them with. He knows them, individually. He knows me. He made me. He gifted me. And every gift was chosen for me. Every gift is a reminder, a key, directly to Him. Every gift bears the ultimate gift, an opportunity to connect with Him.
The Gift of Prayer
I still have a lot to internalize when it comes to the beauty of gratitude, and of prayer. My understanding of salah is however slowly being imbued with the warmth of the realization of this being a chance to meet Him again, a direct invitation for me to converse with Him. It is a reminder of how a few hours of distraction from Him were a few hours far too long.
Sheikh Adnan shared the reminder that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is in no need of anyone. He does not need our prayers, yet He outlines it for us as a daily requirement. He architects our day in a way that ensures we truly always fill our cups, we always have our days punctuated with our awareness of His nearness. Self care at its finest. There is a love there I still have plenty to learn about, and to internalize. How interesting is it that I learn this, and yet still catch myself often in prayer, rushing instead of connecting. Subhan Allah. He is patient with us, and He need not be. Yet He is. Love surfaces in every moment. Every moment is truly embellished with His mercy, His generosity, His love, His nearness.
I think we all yearn deeply for a presence to witness us. May we always remember that The One who made us, is always with us. Subhan Allah, we just need to remember to detach from our distractions, and come back to Him. May we all experience on the daily the prophet pbuh's longing for prayer, expressed in the hadith "Declare that the time for prayer has come, Bilal, and give us rest by it." Ameen.